No One is Perfectly Kind All the Time...Including Me...and You!

Kindness isn't about perfection. It's about challenging yourself and others to be as kind as you can be...and reflect, apologize and repair when you aren't!

People often assume that as a person focused on Kindness and Kind Leadership, I'm always kind. Whenever someone asks me about that I respond by saying "Why don't you ask my husband about that?" Today, in my third day of writing twenty-three reflections on Kindness and Kind Leadership I've had over my almost sixty-three years, I'm going to let you know why no one (including me and you) is perfectly kind all the time, and why that is actually okay!

I'm a human being and so are you. That means that we are going to struggle with kindness (and leading with kindness) because none of us has been raised by parents who were perfectly kind all the time, and none of us have had leaders who were perfectly kind all the time. That's because parents, teachers, coaches, managers and community and political leaders are all human...and all imperfect.

As humans we get stressed, we get "hangry", we don't always sleep perfectly and different kinds of stimuli challenge us temperamentally. I personally am triggered by "visual clutter", whether it be a coffee mug left on our kitchen peninsula or too many papers strewn about my desk. We're also prone to rushing. Trying to get too many things done in too little time, which causes us to be inwardly focused, the opposite of what we need to be kind! I'm sure, like me, you've brushed someone off or responded to your partner's innocent question rudely, because you were hurrying to get something done.

Being stressed, overwhelmed and in a hurry, are all conditions that can lead to unkindness and are a regular part of most people's work and home lives. Your life, and my life as well.

And that is okay. Because being perfectly kind all the time isn't required of any of us.

But here's what is:

Using the opportunity to learn to be kinder.

When I'm not as kind as I should - or wanted to be - here is what I do.

1. Reflect. I take some time to thing about what caused me to be less kind that I wanted to be. Was I tired? Did I not eat at a regular time? Was I in a situation that triggered me temperamentally? Or that contravened my values? Was I rushing? Was I extra stressed? By reflecting, I gain a deeper understanding about myself and the situations that I struggle with kindness in. I become aware of when, in the future, I will need to slow down, take a break or respond with care. I also gain more insight into my triggers and can then plan how to work on them, and/or avoid them.

2. Apologize. Once I'm calm and I've spent time in reflection, I reach out to the person I was unkind to and apologize. I let them know what I did wrong, the reflections I've had and the plan I've made to work on myself so that I can be kinder next time. It's not easy to do, but it's a great way to reconnect with the other person and give those who follow you a great example of what to do when they aren't as kind as they could be.

3. Repair. Apologizing to someone often isn't enough. So I make a plan to take action to repair the relationship with the person I wasn't kind to. Important for both the person I wasn't kind to, and its also an important step in my learning how to be kinder.

I'm human, and you are human too. That means we aren't going to be perfectly kind all the time. It also means that you (and I) will have many opportunities to practice the steps necessary to improve our ability to be kinder in the future.

So, when you aren't as kind as you would like to be, try not to be frustrated with yourself. And definitely don't throw up your hands, give up and say "I'm a failure. I'm just never going to be kind." Because you don't need to be perfectly kind all the time, you just need to keep practicing.

I'll reflect on that tomorrow!