Kindness isn't Like Putting Your Own Oxygen Mask on Before Helping Others

Kindness and oxygen are similar in that it is impossible to live without each of them every day. But practicing self-kindness isn't the same as "putting on your oxygen mask first" before others. Here's why!

In my Day 2 Reflection on what I've learned about Kindness and Kind Leadership over my almost 63 years, I'm going to talk about some misconceptions surrounding practicing self-kindness.

Many people struggle with being kind to themselves. People often tell me that they find it harder to be kind to themselves, and that they are harder and more critical of themselves, than they are of other people. When I ask them why, and how they became so critical of themselves, most people answer that they aren't sure. They don't know. It's just "how they came or how they are."

But I know that is not the case.

As I explained in my Day 1 Reflection, we all learn how to be kind (or unkind) from our leaders: the people who have power and authority and influence over us throughout our life. Those leaders include our parents, teachers, sports or other coaches, supervisors and managers at work, community leaders, social media influencers, and/or political leaders. And even if you don't remember it, or aren't conscious of it, the unkind "voices in your head", that loop of usually negative self-talk that so many people have playing constantly, is a repeat of the unkind words and phrases that leaders you have had said to - or about - you.

In my Day 1 Reflection, I used some words to describe myself: creative, strong, persistent, unique, idealistic, optimistic, caring and kind. All positive words and ways in which to view myself with kindness. But those weren't the original words that were in my self-talk. The original words (which I heard often from my parents and others leaders) were ones like: stubborn, headstrong, bossy, non-compliant, 'different', bad, dreamer, head-in-the clouds, and selfish. Unkind and negative.

Unfortunately, when I heard those words, because I was young, and the people who said them were in leadership positions (yes, parents are children's first leaders as well as teachers), I believed them. Because why wouldn't I? Maybe your parents and leaders have described you unkindly. And because of the way they thought about you, and spoke to you, you believed them...and started to think about yourself in those same, unkind ways.

Even more importantly, because you learn how to be kind (or unkind) from those who lead you, when you were treated unkindly, you learned to be unkind to yourself.

And that brings us back to the topic of why kindness isn't like the oxygen mask that drops from the overhead compartment in a plane during an emergency.

First of all, none of us can live without oxygen. We all need to breathe it every single moment to stay alive. Yet, for the most part, breathing is not something that we think about, or are conscious of, on a moment to moment basis. We simply breathe. Like oxygen, kindness is something that we also need a constant supply of to develop into our fullest selves. To flourish, thrive and grow we need our leaders to treat us kindly and to speak about us kindly so that we can learn how to think and speak about ourselves, and others, in kind and positive ways. Kindness isn't for "emergencies only". Without kindness, like oxygen, you will shrink, wither, and live in constant stress and unhappiness.

And kindness can't be learned by practicing it on yourself.

Kindness is learned by practicing empathy and compassion for others...and those learnings can then be applied to kindness to yourself. I learned how to see and describe myself as persistent instead of stubborn and headstrong by practicing empathy. By putting myself in the shoes of others who appeared to be "stubborn and headstrong", and realizing that they were being persistent in working towards the things that they were passionate about and that really mattered to them. Just like me! And that that was a positive! And if it was a positive for them...then it was also a positive for me!

I learned how to be kind to myself by practicing being kind to others. Over and over again. Not by "putting on my oxygen mask first" and helping others after.

And that is the way that you can learn to be kinder to yourself as well. By practicing, over and over again, being kinder to others.

And here's what's even better: When you practice being kind to others, especially when you are in a leadership role, you'll help them think about themselves in kind a positive ways to start with! Then they won't have to struggle with figuring out how to be kind to themselves.

They will know.