Kindness Isn't Innate. You Need to Practice It!

Contrary to a common belief, people aren't born kind. They learn how to be kind (or unkind) from their leaders and by struggling to practice kindness each and every day!

In my Day 4 of 23 Reflections on Kindness for my 63rd Birthday, I'm going to talk about why I say that "kindness is a practice", and why it's so important to actually practice.

One of the questions I'm asked often is: "What is kindness? Is it an innate trait that we are all born with? Is it a superpower? Is it something that 'just happens' on a random basis? Is it something that some people are just naturally better at?" And I always answer the same way:

"Kindness is a practice...and one that takes constant practice."

Why do I say that? Because although I do believe that people are born "good", and with a propensity for being kind to others, kindness itself is - and requires - action. Let's say you are in the airport and you see that someone has dropped their scarf...or that a child has dropped a toy as they are being pushed in their stroller. Now you have a choice. You can walk on by...or you can decide to take an action: Pick up the scarf or toy, shout, or run after the person who dropped it, and give it back. The 'giving it back', that action, is kindness. Unless there is an action, there isn't kindness. Just thinking about giving back the scarf or toy isn't enough. To be kindness, you have to stop thinking and start doing.

And doing anything that you aren't used to doing on a regular basis takes practice!

In January 2017 I was traveling full-time for work. I noticed that there seemed to be an uptick in unkindness. And I decided I had to do something about it. So, I designed a small button with a red heart on a green background and added a little slip of paper to it that said Plant Kindness - Grow Love. I planned to leave the buttons and slips in airports and restaurants, hotels and stores. Anywhere I was where people would find them and get a random message to be kinder. Of course, the first time I left a button somewhere it felt very strange. And even though all I had to do what take the button out of my purse and put it down on a counter in the airport, it wasn't easy to do. That's because I had to go from the 'theory' of leaving random reminders of kindness to the act of doing it. And I didn't have any practice.

Over the years, that one little button turned in to a whole non-profit, and I have left thousands of them all over the world. I've also given them to people directly who I see being kind. And unkind. And each time I had the idea to share my "Love and Kindness buttons" in a different way, I felt strange taking the action to do it until I had practiced!

Anything that you want to feel comfortable doing, and get better at, takes practice.

Whether it's playing a sport, cooking, gardening, drawing...or being kinder, nothing gets better, or easier, without practice. Every time you practice, you strengthen the neural pathway in your brain associated with doing that action. Eventually, something that once felt difficult and insurmountable becomes easy and just a part of your everyday life.

So today, as part of my reflection, I'm going to ask that you take some time to practice kindness. Deliberately. So that your practice of kindness becomes easier.

Some easy things you can do to deliberately practice:

• Smile and say hello to everyone you pass by in the hallway at work or on the street

• Say please and thank you to the fabulous people serving you in the coffeshop or bank

• Give your neighbors compliments on how nice their gardens are while you are out walking your dog

• Pick up trash and dispose of it when you are out taking a walk around town

• Give an elderly relative a call

A warning. Any of these things will feel strange at first. Some might feel and seem hard to do. You might struggle and want to give up. But I can assure you, the more you do them, the easier they will become! That's because practice makes the practice of kindness easier. Just like me giving out Love and Kindness buttons!

And if you don't practice perfectly...or your forget? Don't worry and don't give up! Just practice some more and remind yourself that kindness isn't innate, and perfection isn't required, just practice, so you can make progress!

Tomorrow we will talk about how to practice - and the criticality of practicing - when times are unkind.