Kind and Nice are Two Different Things!

It's easy to get confused and think that being kind and being nice are the same thing. They aren't. Here's why you need to be clear on the difference!

Many people confuse being kind and being nice. It's easy to do! In this, the sixth of my twenty-three reflections on kindness for my sixty-third birthday, I'm going to help you know what the difference is, and why it's so important o be clear.

A number of years ago, a person I was coaching told me that they were considering letting someone on their team go. "They have been here many years, aren't performing up to standard, and other team members really don't like them. I think it's time to 'manage them out'." The first question I asked was about what had been communicated to the team member over the years. Had they been told directly about their gaps in performance? Had the issues they had with other team members been clearly addressed? "I'm not sure", the person I was coaching said. "Probably not, because it wouldn't have been very nice to tell the team member why others didn't like them. And we don't usually tell people the specific, numeric gaps in their performance. It's just too hard and uncomfortable to have those discussions."

"But wouldn't it be terribly unkind to let someone go, after years of service, because it might be hard and uncomfortable for you to let them know the truth. And then to potentially help them overcome the challenges they have getting along with others and hitting their performance targets?"

So there you have it. The difference between "nice" and "kind". In a nutshell, being nice is superficial and often easier for you. It means not having to have a conversation in which someone might get upset with you or themselves. It means glossing over and sweeping under the rug. Being kind, on the other hand, is often harder and more uncomfortable. For both the person who is practicing kindness, and the person receiving it. Because it can mean sharing difficult truths and facts that you think others might not want to hear. And that might make extra work for you because you will have to find a way to help someone overcome something they are struggling with.

Here's a graphic I created showing the differences:

I'd also like to remind you that you can be kind AND nice at the same time. When the person I was coaching decided not to let their team member go, but, instead, to have a clear, frank and kind conversation, they did it in a nice way. They chose a quiet, private location in which the person receiving the news could let their emotions out and react as they needed to. They didn't use disparaging and demeaning words to talk about the person's performance or their social struggles. They told the truth and talked about what clear next steps would and could be.

When I asked the person I was coaching how their conversation went, they were surprised that the person was actually thankful and grateful to know the truth. They had long wondered why their career hadn't progressed as they wanted it to, and why everything they tried to do to improve hadn't worked.

As I said in yesterday's reflection, practicing kindness can be hard. Especially when times are tough. But it's necessary. Because if you don't practice kindness, if you stick to being nice, others don't get the help they need. When you aren't clear about the difference between "nice" and "kind", it's hard to make the choice about what action you should take.

Bringing drugs to an addict isn't kind. It may feel nice to have them feel better for a bit and not lash out at you, but ultimately it is harming the addict.

Not speaking up for your values and what you believe in because being silent won't rock the boat isn't kind. It may feel nicer to keep the peace, but ultimately it isn't kind to others, or to you.

So today, when you need to take an action, or react to something or someone at work, at home or in the community, and there are a couple of possible different courses you could take, please ask yourself the question I often ask myself, "Is the action I'm planning to take kind? Nice? Both?" Then make your choice!

Unless you know the difference, you won't be able to choose kindly and wisely!